I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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