dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
