If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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