ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
