i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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