Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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