Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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