i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
