I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
