I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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