Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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