so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
