Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
