my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
