i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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