So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
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I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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