the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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