Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
why do cheetos always look like penises
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
