I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
