Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
