I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
