i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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