Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
