I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
