remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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