You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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