i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
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I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
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I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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