The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
