the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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