mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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