He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
