Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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