am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
