I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
