Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You're like the curious george of whores
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
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