i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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