sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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