we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
