I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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