I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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