Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
