i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
