you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
