Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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