I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
