Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
