textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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