I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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