at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
