So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
