the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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