just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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