Well apparently he's into motor boating.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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