...so i touched it.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
