Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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